Sensory Overload

I wish I could pay attention to every single facet of the Metropolitan baseball team. The ironic element of where I find myself is that I'm getting back into the habit of writing everyday after too many years of inactivity, yet I cannot pay enough attention to the baseball team I love. I'm supposed to "do my homework" as one particular facebook Mets group peer kept uttering to me the other day when we were debating the worth of Travis d'Arnaud, but I have debt to get out of and loads of other obligations I don't even need to detail here. Trying to find the proper balance is an obvious, real struggle for me.

Charles Wenzelberg
Photo via https://nypost.com

Last night, I was back in a 10-week improv class I decided to take at this particular time because 1)I've been trying to segue back to performing, 2)I was being lobbied to join back up again, and 3)I'm trying to get out of my head some, which improv can be beneficial in doing. I checked in on the game when I had a bathroom break, and a tie game it was already. The moment I got out of class, Edwin Diaz had just given up the home run in the eventual 5-4 defeat. Strange to think that as frustrating as this team can be, I wish I had more time to observe, recollect, debate, and what have you all the aspects of what comes with being a fan at this particular junction of my life. The Mets, as miserable as they can be, are the last thing making me miserable right now. Keeping up with the posts and the podcasts feel like a necessity because I have fun, win or lose, talking about this team. There is always good moments to look back on from their history. There can only be darkness if there was light in the first place.

A beautiful sadness, as Butters on South Park once said.

I love this city, but I'm letting all the noise and distractions slowly drive me insane. There is an aspect of attempting to cut through the distractions by using them as motivation to block them all out and focus on what you need to to get the work you need done. However, since my dad died and the whole process leading up to it, I've been letting it all get the best of me. There is a tug of war in my head of whether I need to stay or escape, playing into my ADHD nature by going city to city because the sensory overload of my favorite place in the world is not the best for my current incarnation of being. I have so many things I need to clean up around the tristate before I have the foundation under me to do so, rendering that feeling rather moot right now. It stands as motivation, however, an incentive of what to work towards. Plans, however, have a way of shifting very quickly.

In February of 2017, I made a decision to save my money up to head to London for a substantial period of time as that is where my girlfriend is from and lives currently. The goalpost kept getting moved, starting at October of 2017, pushing towards Jan of 2018. Then, it moved to April of 2018 when my dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. At that point, it was a pipe dream to begin with. I was in complete denial as to the severity of the situation, keeping on the positive side of things that he was going to beat this thing, and quickly do so. I blocked out all the noise of reality of what pancreatic cancer has been in the scope of things. I held that nature for as long as I could, completely breaking down come the end of January when I let an extraneous situation leave me completely breaking down. All blinders were stripped at that point, and though I decided right after that moment to produce a movie about my bit-part film actor dad looking back on his life and career as he took on the biggest role yet, I was so distracted that I could only do so much in the new role I had placed myself in as producer of the film. My director and I are still working hard on it, but as I approach the anniversary of my father's death on May 27, I feel like I've let the last two year's completely strip me of all the positivity I used to go through life with, as much of that however was denial about a lot of my issues, such as my addictive personality and my unfocused nature.

Optimism must rule the day, however, and as you can see and read from above, whether it is my own life or the Mets chances, I struggle to find the positive aspects of things. There are always other lives who have it worse than you and perspective to gain to remind yourself of the positive reinforcements that come along. This morning, it has been tough to do so to the point I've completely tangented off of Edwin Diaz and the Mets to spilling my soul on this Mets blog I write.

If you're familiar with this blog, though, then you are aware of some of these things I have mentioned about myself to an extent. This fanbase can be so inspiring that I made a movie about them and the team, after all. Through the struggles, whether it is faith in this team or faith in the general direction I'm attempting to travel, optimism and positivity HAVE to rule the day. All you can do is ask for the ball back after you give up the home run, just like Diaz in the photo above. There is always another game to play the next day, and there is always another chance to get it right some how, some way. Clearly we all have an end game, but we never know when that day will arrive and we must fight the challenges we face tooth by tooth, nail by nail and grass blade by grass blade.

I appreciate every single one of you who come to this blog on a daily basis and I appreciate your attention to my sensitive, emotional fashion. I'm overloaded with obligations and the noise and distractions can get the best of me sometimes. I appreciate you keeping the faith, and I will do my best to keep up mine.

As I always say...

KEEP. ON. PUSHIN'.

LET'S. GO. METS.

The Exhaustion

This is where it starts setting in. When you have so much to do yet so little time to do it. Part of it is your own damn fault. Um, all of it, actually. You keep adding to your schedule when you already have a lifetime of things you already haven't given enough attention. They say quality over quantity, but when you feel the pull in so many directions, whether it just be your own ADHD you were labeled with at 4 years of age or work you've already committed to, the need to follow through, no matter how one thing might suffer because your attention is elsewhere during that period is too strong to ignore.

Mitchell Leff/Getty Images
Photo via Amazin' Avenue

Whether it be this blog, or that script, or that album, or this baseball, or those taxes, or that radio drama, or those Lyft miles, you have to keep pushing. I could hardly even check in on that day game the Mets lost 3-2 because this, that and the other had my attention. Baseball can be a needed, proper distraction for me, but in those moments where it cannot be your main focus, it is tough when you see a loss on the other end.

The Mets are at it again. Just when we're starting to believe, they pull the rug from out under our feet. We always believe, 'cause You GottaTM, even when they're down in the 9th by 9 runs. Yesterday, they only lost by the slimmest of margins and to be honest, I don't even know how close they came to potentially tying or winning the game. It was such an important early series and they seemed to leave all their energy out there on the field around 11pm Monday night when they won in extra innings. Tomorrow is not only a good time for them to regroup with a day off before taking on...ah, jeez, and here I am not even aware of who they are facing nor where they are facing them. I'll check before I finish this post but that's where I stand at the end of the day, scatterbrained and dismayed. At least I have this gentle classical music to help get me at least attempting to focus and off to bed (even though you're reading this on Thursday.)

Oh. They're going to St. Louis. Well...at least I know I have an extra hour to prepare for baseball. Bring on the Central.

CALM. AND. COOL. NOW.

LET'S. GO. METS.

Impatiently Waiting...

Apparently, in modern terms, I am what you would consider... ADHD. I was put on Ritalin when I was 4 years old, but in my adult life, I have wanted to avoid being on any prescription drug, unless it's for allergies. Maybe that stubbornness is a fault of mine, but I have not taken a Ritalin pill or any of those types of ADHD medicine in 6 years. I feel there are much more natural remedies I can use to focus myself on what I need to do. My dad once said that when I first took the pill, it was the first time he ever saw me, a kid going back and forth 100 miles an hour, stop and take a big, deep breath. Maybe that's really all I needed: a big, deep breath. So, when I find myself going too fast and/or losing focus, I try to take a big, deep breath, and seems to work every time. (Also, driving and cycling through New York City helps hone your focusing skills as well, because of how you are forced to focus on your entire panorama.)

Earlier in my screenwriting experiences, I would finish a first draft and show it to everyone saying, "HERE!!! IT'S DONE!!! LET'S MAKE IT!!!" I have since curbed my enthusiasm, much more understanding of the writing (and rewriting) process. Things take time, and now that I am gaining an education it the art form, I have a much better understanding of what it takes to get these projects to come to fruition. It's daunting to say the least, but I feel I have the talent, will and determination to see it through.

So, it's remarkable that when it comes to the Mets, I have been rather patient, always preaching the optimist's perspective, loving every minute of every ballgame, even in these losing years. I arrived to baseball for many reasons, one which was that it was a very detail-oriented viewing experience that I could focus on for 2 or more hours. So, maybe my patience stems from that since it can be so easy for me to lose focus. I've also been accused of complaining too much, and being loud while doing it, so as I grow older, I have attempted to shed this trait from my characteristics. Complaining is such an easy thing to do in this world, and really, the majority of human beings do complain a great amount, some complaints valid, others not so much.

I understand the fanbase's complaints, though. Really, it won't go away until the team has a winning season, makes the playoffs, wins the World Series, and all that jazz. Even then, though, after the parade, there will be a management move that flashes across their screen, and someone will say, "Yep, of course they're satisfied with one and done. Same old Mets..." Something along those lines, right?

Ted Berg of USA Today's For the Win said something on the Rising Apple Report last week, basically summing up the current Mets Hot Stove environment:

"I hate being the impatient Mets fan. And I always say I wish I could just bury my head in the sand for the entire offseason and wake up on April 5 or whenever Opening Day is and say, 'Ok. Who's on the team?' because, you know, we have no control over these things and ultimately the 2014 Mets will be the 2014 Mets and it doesn't matter how and when they get there. But right now...man, I am...so eager for fresh blood on the team, and I hate that it's come to that, but that's just because of the way the team has played the last few years."

Word.

Impatiently waiting for a track to explode on...

Anyway, I can't focus on this crap anymore. Here's a Random Nothing.

HOT. STOVE. COOLDOWN.

LET'S. GO. METS.

Thanks for reading! Follow me on Twitter @convertedmetfan. And for the latest on a Brooklyn Baseball TV Series I am developing, Like the Bedford & Sullivan Facebook page, follow on Twitter here, and listen to the research process here.