Sensory Overload

I wish I could pay attention to every single facet of the Metropolitan baseball team. The ironic element of where I find myself is that I'm getting back into the habit of writing everyday after too many years of inactivity, yet I cannot pay enough attention to the baseball team I love. I'm supposed to "do my homework" as one particular facebook Mets group peer kept uttering to me the other day when we were debating the worth of Travis d'Arnaud, but I have debt to get out of and loads of other obligations I don't even need to detail here. Trying to find the proper balance is an obvious, real struggle for me.

Charles Wenzelberg
Photo via https://nypost.com

Last night, I was back in a 10-week improv class I decided to take at this particular time because 1)I've been trying to segue back to performing, 2)I was being lobbied to join back up again, and 3)I'm trying to get out of my head some, which improv can be beneficial in doing. I checked in on the game when I had a bathroom break, and a tie game it was already. The moment I got out of class, Edwin Diaz had just given up the home run in the eventual 5-4 defeat. Strange to think that as frustrating as this team can be, I wish I had more time to observe, recollect, debate, and what have you all the aspects of what comes with being a fan at this particular junction of my life. The Mets, as miserable as they can be, are the last thing making me miserable right now. Keeping up with the posts and the podcasts feel like a necessity because I have fun, win or lose, talking about this team. There is always good moments to look back on from their history. There can only be darkness if there was light in the first place.

A beautiful sadness, as Butters on South Park once said.

I love this city, but I'm letting all the noise and distractions slowly drive me insane. There is an aspect of attempting to cut through the distractions by using them as motivation to block them all out and focus on what you need to to get the work you need done. However, since my dad died and the whole process leading up to it, I've been letting it all get the best of me. There is a tug of war in my head of whether I need to stay or escape, playing into my ADHD nature by going city to city because the sensory overload of my favorite place in the world is not the best for my current incarnation of being. I have so many things I need to clean up around the tristate before I have the foundation under me to do so, rendering that feeling rather moot right now. It stands as motivation, however, an incentive of what to work towards. Plans, however, have a way of shifting very quickly.

In February of 2017, I made a decision to save my money up to head to London for a substantial period of time as that is where my girlfriend is from and lives currently. The goalpost kept getting moved, starting at October of 2017, pushing towards Jan of 2018. Then, it moved to April of 2018 when my dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. At that point, it was a pipe dream to begin with. I was in complete denial as to the severity of the situation, keeping on the positive side of things that he was going to beat this thing, and quickly do so. I blocked out all the noise of reality of what pancreatic cancer has been in the scope of things. I held that nature for as long as I could, completely breaking down come the end of January when I let an extraneous situation leave me completely breaking down. All blinders were stripped at that point, and though I decided right after that moment to produce a movie about my bit-part film actor dad looking back on his life and career as he took on the biggest role yet, I was so distracted that I could only do so much in the new role I had placed myself in as producer of the film. My director and I are still working hard on it, but as I approach the anniversary of my father's death on May 27, I feel like I've let the last two year's completely strip me of all the positivity I used to go through life with, as much of that however was denial about a lot of my issues, such as my addictive personality and my unfocused nature.

Optimism must rule the day, however, and as you can see and read from above, whether it is my own life or the Mets chances, I struggle to find the positive aspects of things. There are always other lives who have it worse than you and perspective to gain to remind yourself of the positive reinforcements that come along. This morning, it has been tough to do so to the point I've completely tangented off of Edwin Diaz and the Mets to spilling my soul on this Mets blog I write.

If you're familiar with this blog, though, then you are aware of some of these things I have mentioned about myself to an extent. This fanbase can be so inspiring that I made a movie about them and the team, after all. Through the struggles, whether it is faith in this team or faith in the general direction I'm attempting to travel, optimism and positivity HAVE to rule the day. All you can do is ask for the ball back after you give up the home run, just like Diaz in the photo above. There is always another game to play the next day, and there is always another chance to get it right some how, some way. Clearly we all have an end game, but we never know when that day will arrive and we must fight the challenges we face tooth by tooth, nail by nail and grass blade by grass blade.

I appreciate every single one of you who come to this blog on a daily basis and I appreciate your attention to my sensitive, emotional fashion. I'm overloaded with obligations and the noise and distractions can get the best of me sometimes. I appreciate you keeping the faith, and I will do my best to keep up mine.

As I always say...

KEEP. ON. PUSHIN'.

LET'S. GO. METS.